Episode 004: Is "fitting in" REALLY protecting you from shame and judgement?

What  Ellen DeGeneres,  Abby Wambach (a two time Olympic champion and gold medalist, FIFA World Cup champion, and the highest all time international goal scorer for male and female soccer players put together), or Glennon Doyle (her wife BTW and a thought leader, Sunday Times and New York Times bestselling author and activist) have in common? They decided not to allow the one biggest outdated norm that runs in our LGBTQ+ community on autopilot to dictate how their lives were “supposed to be'' lived.

They decided not to “fit in” to satisfy the heteronormative society’s acceptable path, but decided to live their own vulnerable (yet so liberating) unapologetically authentic lives.


If you enjoy this episode and it resonates, I'd be pumped to hear about it, especially what strikes you the most. Take a screenshot of you listening to the episode on your device, post it to your FB and / or IG stories and tag me @coachagastarkowska.



In this episode you'll hear:

- why "fitting in" is so outdated;

- why fitting in, shame and judgement are flawed when put together side by side causing you suffering; 

- what can you do to get rid of following this outdated norm; 

- "untamed Effect" methodology;

Social media tags and handles:

FB: Coach Aga Starkowska

'GRAM: Coach Aga Starkowska

email: aga@agastarkowska.com

Transcript

INTRO: (0:00)

This is Bootstrap Wellbeing Inqueeries podcast, Episode # 4. Today’s episode is all about “fitting in” and why it is NOT THE solution that protects you from shame and judgement. So, stay tuned. 

CONTENT: (01:18)

Hey hey hey gorgeous queers. How are you all doin? Thank you so much for tuning in into Bootstrap Wellbeing Inqueeries podcast episode 4, and I am your host, coach Aga. Today’s episode is a special one cause we’ll be talking about and dismantling one of the most outdated norms within our LGBTQ+ community. And that is “fitting in” (aka passing for a straight) into the heteronormative society, at all levels, and how “fitting in” is supposed to protect you from shame and judgement; and what goes along with it criticism, rejection and belittling. 

(02:12)
Let’s start with dissecting what judgement, shame and “fitting in” truly mean, so you can better understand those concepts and how flawed they are when put together side by side, causing you to suffer.

(02:30)
First on the line is judgement. In the societal norms, judgement is nothing more than just an opinion. A point of view formed about something or someone that is not necessarily based on fact or knowledge. An example of a judgement is a blonde woman automatically treated as dumb. Or a queer or gay person being considered an outcast or a threat to normality. And that perceived threat creates a feeling of fear and uncertainty that everything that the heteronormative society has built on beliefs of what is right and wrong, or what is and isn’t acceptable will shutter in a split of a second. And that once they will allow us into their space, they would start suffocating instead of thinking that the space will expand, instead of shrinking. 

(03:32)
So judgement is just a point of someone’s view. And people will always have opinions. We are opinionated creatures. Straight or queer. People will create their opinions about what you said, what you eat, your shoes, your phone, your opinion on something, what car you drive or don’t, your choice of friends or how you spend your hard earned money. Regardless of the fact that you “fit in”.

(04:11)
Let’s move on to shame. As the amazing Brene Brown describes it: shame is a fear of disconnection and of being unlovable. Shame is all about fear. It’s that familiar warm feeling that covers us from head to toes that makes us shrink, withdraw, crawl back into a box we have already outgrown, feeling like a loser, wanting the ground to split and praying to be invisible. It’s the fear of disconnection and rejection once everyone knows who we are, who do we love, who do we sleep with, how much or how less do we know, what’s our religion or maybe the lack of thereof and so forth. It’s the fear that people will not like us and accept us once they know all of this. 

It’s saying: I am bad. I am not good enough. I am not worthy. I am not lovable. I am - 3x

(05:36)
As Brene defines it: “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore not worthy of love and belonging”. Will fitting in resolve that? Will fitting in erase that hurt? Will fitting in make you happy? In fact, if you keep holding this belief you could actually miss out the opportunity to live your unapologetically authentic life filled with a sense of belonging and self-worth. 

(06:17)
Lastly, the infamous already “fitting in”- fitting in is what perfectionists love the most. Because it is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. If you are like I used to be, the disconnected queer perfectionist, the act of pleasing, performing and perfecting is how you show up tp the world and chase a mere recognition and acceptance. And that leaves you emotionally exhausted. Playing a constant game of “supposed to be” and “supposed to call yourself” is a battle cry of fitting in. Fitting in is the opposite of belonging. We’ll talk about belonging later. 

(07:20)
So, thinking that “fitting in” is THE solution to avoid shame and judgement is one of the worst things you can do. Look, I understand why you think that because it may seem that fitting in is the secret sauce to be accepted. Been there. Done that. So, I totally understand. But if it were true, it would mean that every queer that gets to fit in into the heteronormative society at its all levels would live an unapologetically authentic life. We all know that’s not the case. Can you show me ONE queer person who fits in and is accepted without wearing a mask, playing a double role and is truly happy? You probably can’t. 

(08:16)
But look at Ellen DeGeneres, no further explanation needed, or Abby Wambach, a two time Olympic champion and gold medalist, FIFA World Cup champion, and the highest all time international goal scorer for male and female soccer players, or Glennon Doyle (her wife BTW), a thought leader, Sunday Times and New York Times bestselling author and activist, what do they have in common? They decided not to allow the one biggest outdated norm that runs in our LGBTQ+ community on autopilot to dictate how their lives were “supposed to be'' lived. The decided not to “fit in” to satisfy the heteronormative society’s acceptable path, but decided to live their own vulnerable (yet so liberating) unapologetically authentic lives. All BEFORE they were celebrities. 

(09:27)
So, how do you do that? How do you do what they did? Let me ask you a question. 

Have you ever walked into a room full of strangers and felt you were out of place? Like you didn’t fit in or “click”? And everyone’s eyes were on you, like everyone was staring at you? The so familiar warm feeling of shame poured over you with thoughts of: ” Holy crap! They know I’m queer. Shit”

Your thinky brain immediately went into the so-called fight mode so you started to walk, talk and behave like a straight person to avoid judgement, discriminations and rejection. To simply “fit in” and be accepted.

(10:20)
You need to let go of that. You have to let go of what other people think. Their opinions and beliefs in which they have been indoctrinated since their young age by the society, parents, culture and traditions are not your problem. Their opinions and beliefs are not your problem. Remember, an opinion is just a point of view that is not necessarily true or based on facts. You allow feedback to come only from people that you truly trust and whose opinions are important to you; people who earned the right to hear your story and who you know will respond with compassion. 

(11:22)
You need to operate on a premise of true belonging. A deep belief that you are a part of something bigger than you and everyone else, and not settling for the shallows of acceptance where you bury your true identity just to seek approval.  You need to hold a belief that there is a space for the REAL you in every room and every place you walk into, with all your queer substance. 

Believe that you are worthy. Now. Right this minute. The doomed fitting in keeps you “safe” but feeling like a fake, disconnected, isolated and pretending. You are enough just the way you are. Claim it. Claim your space in the Universe. 

(12:27)
Alright. Now you know how outdated and backwards the fitting in norm is, you need to learn how to get rid of following it, how to rewire it. And you just learnt one of the ways of doing so but we still need to address love, freedom and purpose that I cover in my “untamed Effect” methodology. So, if you want to learn the process, watch out  this space and follow me on my social media accounts. You’ll find the tags and handles in the show notes. 

CTA and SIGN OFF: (13:08)

With that, I'm gonna wrap up this episode. Make sure to leave comments about your biggest breakthrough or something that surprised you. Take a screenshot of you listening to this episode and either tag me on my Facebook or IG. See you all in the next episode. This is coach Aga, singing off for today reminding you all to get out there and claim your space. Stay gorgeous, queers! Bye!